..Gary Dretzka
..Noah Forrest
..Leonard Klady
..R.J. Matson
..David Poland
..Douglas Pratt
..Ray Pride
..Michael Wilmington

Mother of Tears
Directed by Dario Argento

Dario Argento’s Mother of Tears is far more gross on the face of it (and the ass of it and the intestines of it and the brain of it, etc) than Eli Roth’s Hostel or Hostel 2. Like Hostel 2, there is naked woman on naked woman violence, there is blood everywhere, and there is cruelty aplenty.

So why did I enjoy Mother of Tears so much while I was so deeply offended by H2 Doh?

Walking out of the theater here in Toronto, the wind suddenly got so intense that it seemed as though it was planned by Argento… the second fall of Toronto to match the second fall of Rome. Skirts were a-flyin’, though no one took a spear and used it to rip off anyone’s blouse. (No one in ArgentoVille ever wears a bra, so no need for detailed spearing.) We did learn in Argento’s film, however, that the darkest evil possible on the planet owns a set of implants. Perhaps it was not intended. Just the day before, in The Orphanage, the actress playing the mother who had not given birth or nursed a child also had enhancements, which seemed almost like story subtext. Maybe it was.

But I digress…

Just as opening credits were rolling, a young woman decided to sit in the row on which I was at the end. I stood, she moved to the center of the row. The body of the film started and in the first scene, a woman is strangled with her own intestines. The young woman was up and out before the last pint of blood gurgled out of the victim’s mouth.

That is the kind of film it is. Of course Asia Argento, the director’s daughter, is wearing a white silk shirt that shows off the details of her breasts… while she has a shirt on. (A completely gratuitous shower sequence with her comes close to Dressed To Kill quality.) Of course the two pretty girls go all out lesbian before the slicing begins. Of course a variety of throats are deeply slashed. Of course there will be a screaming monkey that leads the parade of murdering supernatural maniacs. Of course there will be parts falling out of body cavities and heads being split by axes over and over again. Of course the only woman who doesn’t end up naked or splattered is Dario’s ex, Asia’s mom, and a Bava girl before pre-Argento, Daria Nicolodi', playing… Asia’s mom.

This is a movie where a guy has an eyeball removal tool for no particular reason. This is a movie where the wise old priest has the tools of a murderer, just in case. This is a movie where Udo Kier gets a knowing laugh from the audience as soon as he hits the screen.

It is an absolute B-asterpiece.

So why isn’t it pushing my buttons? Because you can feel the feelings of the man sitting in the director’s chair. And while there is a real cruel streak, towards both sexes, as in Eli Roth, you get the distinct feeling that while he is raising the stakes endlessly, Dario Argento is just having a nasty good time. There is something deeply perverse about a man who strips his daughter naked and has the camera linger on her body parts. But unlike Roth, you get the feeling he loves that body that came of his genes. And with Roth, you just get the feeling he, like a frat boy, wants to have sex with the body and then leave it on the side of the road to fend for itself.

It’s love – creepy love – versus hate. And that’s why I imagine that this film, which some would classify as horror porn, could do better and live longer in the imagination than Hostel 2. Because it’s not horror porn. It’s sexual. And it’s horrible. But it’s a gorefest, a splatterfest, a drive-thru autopsy of a movie. But it feels like good clean fun… I guess like Animal House’s sexual side felt naughty and amusing and not like a movie full of date rape.

Movies tell you their intent. And as intentionally corroded as this film is, it feels like it intents to take us on a journey of big, broad, passionate, insane, thrilling grotesqueries. And it does. And it is fun. And it is horrible. Never has so much blood being lost by so many been so much fun to watch.

Go figure.

- David Poland