.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

June 23, 2003

What is the difference between an Ashley Judd movie and a Jennifer Connelly movie? Jennifer stands by her psychotics.

Movie girls these days just cannot walk past the loony bin without diving in and taking a swim. Today's women responded to Tommy Harris' decision to have Clarice fall for Dr. Lechter by commenting, "At least he can cook!" Ridley Scott was too busy being butch to let it all hang out on screen. Bratty Brett Ratner took his misogyny back in time. He took away gorgeous Emily Watson's eyes and brain and she fell for the skinniest nutcase since the MasterBates Motel.

I would like to give Charlie's Angels a Full Throttle for their choices in men. Airbrush Barrymore lusts for the bad guys. She must have gotten over her attraction to the testicularly-challenged. The Ass and The Hair seem to choose their boys from the Dumb & Dumberer Catalog For Men. Lucy's caricature keeps her mental sawdust, Matt LeBlank, at home. Cameron spends most of the movie with a bullseye on her panties, klutzily searching for the arrow long and hard enough to hit home.

Jean Grey cannot just love the guy who gets her hot by looking at her. She needs to flirt with the guy with the long claws and the hair horns! Rogue can suck the life out of a guy with a simple kiss. Storm is like an orthodox Jew from the lost Sephardic tribe of Judea. Everyone can tell it is a wig, honey! Now, blow some wind up your own skirt!

Eva Mendes cannot make up her mind between the really boring bad guy and the really boring good guy. At least the boring bad guys manage to get past page three of the Kama Sutra. Pretty Paul Walker seems like the kind of guy who combs his pubic hair! Any girl who watched that movie knows that she should be practicing safe sex with the beautiful, funny, vain black guy with one name!

I love my Finding Nemo. Dad did let his wife fight and die while protecting the kids though. Maybe she should have married Bruce the Shark.

The women of Whale Rider put up with the grumpy Gus patriarch when both the elegant granny and the boundary-bustin' granddaughter know the truth. He must be some tribal leader in the bedroom for his wife to put up with all that crap!

I have not seen 28 Days Later, but El Frenchie Jeffrey Wells says that the one man left on earth has "a very small dick, by the way." Does this comment make ex-pat Jeffrey a very big dick, by the way? The alternative to Little Hero is a bunch of blood sucking zombies or some Soldiers Gone Wild. The future is bleak.

Ashley Judd is trying something different in her next movie. In The Blackout Murders, the psycho is killing all of her ex-boyfriends. What a great idea. It is a Woman's Ex-Boyfriends In Trouble Movie! If it does well, there will have to be a movie about a woman who seduces a psycho into killing all of her ex-boyfriends and then tries to break things off. Tiny Ms. Judd would never play the bad guy. Not on screen, in any case. You can be sure that J3 will get rid of her maniac by the time the credits role. Not so, our Jennif-ah.

The pre-pubescent Miss Connelly started her career at thirteen by dirty dancing for the young version murderer-to-be Robert DeNiro in Once Upon A Time In America. She traveled with a midget with a giant nose to find David Bowie with a giant codpiece in Labyrinth at 14. For her nineteenth birthday, she went topless for Don's Johnson and director-slash-crazyman Dennis Hopper in The Hot Spot. Her career almost ended when she went for two nice guys in a row in Career Opportunities and The Rocketeer.

Sister Brunette got back on track as the wife of a confused, delusional, eye-bulging man in Dark City in 1998. She has never looked back. In Waking The Dead, she is dead and her former boyfriend is delusional. He did not dream that she was Brooke Shields, who starred in the first movie based on the book Endless Love. The box office might have been better if he had.

Requiem For A Dream brought Jen Jen heroin, a delusional boyfriend with a delusional mother and proof that our girl is a natural brunette. Jen must have noticed that Julianne Moore went from cute redhead to Oscar honey after flashing her forest of love in Short Cuts. She was the post-muse muse to the manic-depressive, mood swinging Pollock next.

Tired of dating lunatics, she married Russell Crowe's beautiful, delusional, manic, paranoid, confused mind. The performance brought two men into her life. One was named Oscar. The other was Paul Bettany. Are you wondering about whether the blonde Bettany is sane?

The Hulk is both a psycho step backwards and forwards for our wayward Ms. Connelly. She leaves Bruce Banner because he is a cold fish. She even makes fun of his inability to get his temperature up. Jen's Betty has that "If you could just take off my bra once without discussing the molecular composition of the silk-rayon blend!" look in her eye. When we first see Bruce, he even manages to look like an erect penis and boring at the same time! As soon as he sees Betty, he removes his bike helmet and all that is left is the boredom.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: There are some minor Hulk spoilers in the following paragraphs. Please proceed with minor caution.)

When Betty first meets Hulk, she knows that it is Bruce in there. She submits to him completely, spreading her arms wide as he takes control. But when he acts like a boy and smashes some evil puppies to death, she runs and calls daddy. He is big. She is a bigger tease. I remember when my first beau killed an animal or two to impress me! What is the fuss?

Banner/Hulk is the perfect Jennifer Connelly guy. He is a therapist in the office and a monster in the bedroom. She has already had and rejected Mr. Giant Scrotum, played by beautifully blue-eyed Josh Lucas. She wants her lunatic both ways.

At the end of the movie, her little Hulkie is willing to adjust to her needs. Betty lets us know that she won't be calling daddy so quickly next time her big green boyfriend comes to town. She is ruined for all puny humans!

I am trying to be more like Carrie-Anne Moss and Claire Danes. Their boyfriends may be insane, but they are just trying to save the world from machines! I even like the idea of Carrie-Anne's boyfriend in Memento. A man who can only remember what you tattoo onto him?

"I did not spend $350 on that pair of shoes!"

"No, I've always had this dress!"

"Do you know how long it has been since you bought me flowers?'

Ciao for niao!

Email Patricia Vidal