.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

June 2, 2003

How many underwear models does it take to make a hit movie?  Who cares?

The only thing I did not enjoy about The Italian Job was that there were not enough topless scenes with Mr. Mark Wahlberg, Racin’ Jason Statham and Senor Frankie G He Is Beautiful.  It is not that I did not want a slice of beefcake from Donald Sutherland or Mos Def or Pee Wee Seth Green.  But when the Navy comes into port, ladies must know where to lie in wait with a bottle of Mescal. 

Is Edward Norton shrinking or is it my most vivid imagination?  I thought that I was viewing Dustin Hoffman in Confidence for a while.  Are Charlize Theron and Rachel Weisz just the same Z-loaded starletons of a different shade of Clairol?  They all look the same to me!

That will not keep me from attending the Two P.M. showing of Too Fast, Too Furious next Friday.  (Should Universal not be releasing this film two days after Tuesday?)  I am one of seven white women over 40 who has seen Baby Boy.  I will be praying that the closing credits have Tyrese and Paul Walker in an updated version of “It’s Raining Men,” covered by the American Idle duo of Kimberly Locke and Clay Aiken!  

Does it get any prettier than those two boys?  I would go see almost anything that they made.  The reviews of the Los Angeles production of “The Producers” were not so good.  How about Tyrese and Paul?  Paul plays the nerd.  Want to make sure that Dumb & Dumberer is Hot & Hotterer?  Tyrese and Paul!  One more Terminator sequel catch your fancy?  Look out for the T4-Me!  

Josh Hartnett is in Hollywood Homicide opposite the best set of movie pectorals since Fernando Lamas was in The Wrath of Khan.  Scar Star Harrison Ford is almost at that age when Harrison is not a quirky name for a hot young guy.  He is beginning to sound like a college professor.  There are not to many 61 year olds as tough as Little Harry though. 

(Boys, I know that it was Ricardo Montalban in The Wrath of Khan.  I don’t care.  I liked Fernando Lamas, even if his progeny turned out to be a laser pointered braying jackass.  He is a pretty laser pointered braying jackass.)

Joshy is more like a young Sam Elliot.  Remember when Sam got famous and still had more mustache than personality.  Lifeguard.  I love Lifeguard.  Sam turned out to have that something special nine years later, when he played a man who was actually able to put up with Cher!  He should have won an Oscar!

Maybe Joshua is more like James Brolin.  Both of them have squinty eyes, rock hard abs and the depth of a Flintstones guest character.  Jim never got a Superman offer.  He did get to play Clark Gable in that movie that proved once and for all that Jill Clayburgh was no Carole Lombard.  He should have turned that down.  Josh should have taken Warner Brothers up on the tights.  Wait.  Imagining that.  Okay.  Done.  I guess he can always marry this generation’s Barbra, Madonna, when she’s done ordering around Guy Ritchie.

Is Guarini not the name of a new social disease?  I am very sorry that Justin gave it to Kelly.  I am not sure that they had to make a movie about it.  Fortunately, Justin has a permanent Brillo pad above his shoulders.  Maybe he can clean up the mess.

Except for the non-sexual Bernie Mac and the disembodied John Forsythe, there seem to be no men in Charlie’s Angels 2.  Did Maxim and that beer company with the bikini girls wrestling in the fountain produce this movie?  Maybe something else is at play.  I am not very experienced in the lesbian scene, qualifying in neither the lipstick nor the butch club.  The little “V” that one of the Angels makes behind her latex covered tushy seems like it could be symbolic of more than a sequel!

Big Arnold will be back in Terminator 3.  Does he not know that he is old enough to be governor of California?  If he shows up in modern time in a shower of electrical discharges with a colostomy bag on his hip, I am leaving the theater!

Girls who like skinny little guys are going to love Pirates of The Caribbean.  There is yummy Orlando Bloom, dishy Johnny Depp and some cute young blonde boy who dresses up like a girl named Keira Knightley.  For we mature women, there is the creepy sexy Jonathan Pryce.  That man is what a grown up girl wants.  He can send a tingle up my spine with just a few select words.  He survived making a movie with Madonna too. 

The ultimate manly movie treat comes later this summer.  Bad Boys II makes Pretty Boy Will Smith look great.  But I am not talking about Bad Boys II.  I am speaking of Freddy Versus Jason.  These two deeply misunderstood men will share the love on the big screen in one of the sexiest, most heartfelt showdowns of the year.  It takes a real man to know when he needs a mask even when he isn’t Mr. Personality.  Freddy might want to see my manicurist.  The only thing that can kill either of these he-men is poor box office results. 

If you can’t wait for that, next weekend, you can spend three hours with Hugh Jackman at the Antoinette Perry Awards, also known as The Tonys, non-Soprano edition.  It won’t cost you a dime.  Antonio Banderas will be there.  He survived making a movie with Madonna too.  You will have to deal with Harvey Fierstein in drag and Brain Dennehy out of drag.  I will give you a dollar if you can tell them apart!  If Harvey Weinstein shows up, the three of them can block all light from New York City forever. 

Yes, my loves, it is a pretty boy summer, just the way momma used to fantasize about them.  When you get sick of all the revving engines and flying Neos and green-skinned monsters, remember that they are all just men.  Just boys and toys, trying to get along, waiting for you to notice.  Yummy.

Ciao for niao.

Email Patricia Vidal