.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

May 12, 2003

Y’all might have been expecting a moment-by-moment dissection of the technology of The Matrix Reloaded from me.  I hate to disappoint. 

According to the front page of Movie City News, Steven Soderbergh got hitched to Jules Asner over the weekend.  The only news that would inspire me more would be 20^th Century Fox sending me chocolate replicas of the entire cast of X-Men 2 with a note offering, “Have a mouthful of Hugh Jackman!”    

Do y’all think this means that Steve Kmetko and Gus Van Sant are going to have to get married next?

Never you mind that the merger of Ms. Asner and Mr. Soderbergh seems more like a science project than a traditional form of mating.  It is so odd a pairing that it will probably become one of the most ideal marriages in the history of this amnestic town.  I wish them all the happiness that Mike & Cathy hoped to get by selling their wedding photos and much, much more.

If the science experiment were going to continue, who would we put together?  I am not speaking of obvious choices like Benjamin and Jennifer, whose idea of artificial insemination involves being aware of another person in the bed.  I am not speaking of a Cruise/Cruz production, short, lisping and unable to keep its clothes on when there is a camera with a mile.  We are fortunate that Ms. Murphy & Mr. Kutcher split up or their male offspring could have been so preternaturally sexy, horny and limited in IQ that it might have single-handedly launched Generation Duh!

I speak of pairings that would shake US Weakly to its core!  I want people to consider Renee Zellweger being crushed under the weight of Anthony Anderson.  They are the opposites in size, color, comic style and personality.  Perfect!  There are not enough beige little babies wandering around Hollywood.

Slam George Clooney and Jennifer Garner together!  They both have the reputation of being really nice.  He has the witty banter and she can kick you in the head! 

Get Colin Farrell together with the Olsen Twins.  That way, there is one to watch him and one to party with him. They can trade off weekly.

Want to see Leonardo DiCaprio finally settle down?  Pair him up with Angelina Jolie for a while.  He loves his supermodels, but they are all too nice for him.  A few months of blood sucking and high colonics with Ms. Jolie and he will be ready to settle down with the girl next door. 

I hardly know what to make on young Kirsten Dunst and young Jake Gyllenhaal swapping spit.  They are both charming performers.  Boring!  These two are almost as uninteresting together as Sarah, the Jewish Vampire Slayer and Freddy Prinze, Jr.  They don’t even make for a good episode of Chico & The Woman.  It’s enough to put a paparazzi to sleep!  A little time in Bobby Evans’ Jacuzzi for Kirsten & Jake would do them both a world of good.  A foursome with Ali and Bobby and the kids.  That’s show business, baby!

Maggie Gyllenhaal seems like the kind of clear thinking gal who will end up with a politician, a la Jane Fonda.  I hope she chooses one with better skin!  She may even be able to have her relationship and continue acting, unlike Ms. Fonda-Turner and Ms. Winger-almost-Kerrey-Howard.

Vin Diesel would make a great Jethro to Lily Tomlin’s Mrs. Hathaway, would he not? Jodie Foster would never put up with his wild boy ways, would she?  Maybe he could move to Austin and hang out with Sandy Bullock.  Do not ask Michelle Rodriguez about romance rumors with Big Baldy unless you want a black eye. 

Jared Leto seems to be the heartbreak kid, dumped by some of the most fabulous gals in town!  He should probably try sticking to one hair color. How long before he takes his now you date him, now you don’t magic show to Nicole Kidman’s doorstep?  It is what she really needs.  A younger man to adore her and stay with her through thick and thin. 

Who will get the right to marry the Cable Mint Twins, Amanda Bynes and Hilary Duff?  Blonde, brunette and budding, they need something new as they follow the antics of Christina and Britney.  What if the started dated they evil kickboxing twins from The Matrix.  They could share styling tips and stay out of the sun together!  I would advise the girls to avoid smoking, drinking, drugs and tattoos.  But they should be unashamed of their bodies and their rising sexuality.  It’s the pretending that makes Tara Reid so unattractive.  These nice, wholesome All-American girls can prove that you don’t need a piercing in your tongue to be happy and healthy!

Tara has only one way to go.  Nicky Cage, here she comes!   There is something so Leaving Los Feliz about them.  It might be the perfect match.

I am pretty sure that whoever marries Alan Cumming will make him take her or his name, unless their first and middle names start with lower case “e”s.  It is just so obvious.  The only good part is that your answer to post-coital questioning is always an honest “yes.’

There is a world of people who are very quietly happy in Hollywood.  Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon have a tiny kind of love.  Tom Hanks seems pleased as punch with his little skinny Greek bride, Rita Wilson.  Tony Randall is impregnating young women after years of being ancient and gay.  Just Sunday, I saw the lovely story of Miss Carol Channing marrying her high school sweetheart, 64 years after graduating high school. 

We can all only hope that Steve and Jules are sharing eyeglass prescriptions all those years from now.  Sigh!

Ciao for niao.

Email Patricia Vidal