.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

May 5 , 2003

Do y’all think that Lauren Schuler Donner is wandering around Hollywood yelling at everyone, “Have you seen the size of my opening?”   I do not.  I am sure she is thrilled to death with both of her entendres.  In a world full of male members of the industry establishment, women do care about size, if it is used will some style.

Eddie Murphy makes very successful films when he allows himself to have his big, black maleness shrunk by the cold water of married life and children/animals/fat that he cannot control.  The Nutty Professor films were perfect because we got of a little of the obnoxious “boy” Eddie who can be amusing in supporting roles and also got the soft, safe Eddie that we really love.  Even in 48 Hours and Beverly Hills Cop, he was a macho fish out of water.  Daddy Day Care should be a rock hard hit! 

The trailer for Michael Bay’s Bad Boys 2 just makes wants you want to scream, “It’s too big!  Get it away from me!”  But there are more than enough young men who will strap on this pocket rocket and straight-vogue their way out of the theaters.  Some women do want to grow up to be in Playboy, but the rest of us will see through the façade.  Bay may have the biggest feet and hands in the business, but he has the look and style of a man who sees the female body as a place to dock his torpedo whenever he is too tired to reflect upon its glory in his own hands.

Mrs. Jada Pinkett Smith appears in The Matrix Reloaded.  She goes to battle with her husband’s Bad Boys this summer.  Lovely Jada seems to be the tough guy in her family, woman enough to let Handsome Will bring home the bacon but never letting him forget that she runs both kitchens. 

The Matrix Reloaded is the work of the mysterious Wachowski Brothers of Chicago.  I am not quite sure why they are not doing the Howard Hughes story when it seems so close to hand.  The little I do know is that they don’t mind a meaty woman, they love their ice-cold city of big shoulders and butts, and they fill their movies with women who can be admired and admired.  Like their star, Keanu Reeves, there is a certain sexual ambiguity about the Matrix movies. 

The Matrix Reloaded is sure to be a big swinging summer jerky.  It also looks a challenging, stylish, emotional, sweaty head rush.  I hear that the ending does its thing and then suddenly rolls over and passes out.  I think I can forgive that this one time.

No look at summer movie size can overlook The Hulk.  That’s a Playgirl special edition waiting to happen.  Hulk goes right into the Dolly Parton class of sexual celebrity.  You almost don’t want to see “it” because in the end, it is just another “one.”  But in my head I see one of those doctor’s office growth charts with Shaquille O’Neil evolving from Milton Berle and The Hulk as the hyperbolic ultimate. 

I always knew that Miss Jennifer Connelly was a size queen.  She is one of those New York girls who do a lot of yoga and kegel exercises to prepare for seven hour tantra sessions, dishing with the girls, “If I could get a baby through there…”

2 Fast 2 Furious does not sound like an open invitation to women who are interested in any form of pleasure at all.  I only wonder, too fast for whom?  Too furious for whom?      Tyrese and Paul Walker are beautiful young men.  If they wanted women to come to the theater, they would have to call it 2 Patient 2 Furious Exactly When It Needs To Be.

Is it just moi or does the gender-neutral title of From Justin To Kelly seem to make a lot of sense? 

Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines.  Is that a joke about Maria Shriver’s needs in the middle of a long marriage?  Some people have written that this film is hot, non-stop action for 2 hours.  Sometimes, that is just what a girl needs.  That Nick Stahl child is delightful to peruse.  Jonathan Mostow seems to have a gentle side.  But Warner Bros. does not appear to be targeting women with their billboards.  A giant metal head.  Look at the size of that!

There is something about a day at the racetrack that always makes me want to wear a pretty new hat.  Jeff Bridges has always been warm, loving bait for grown up girls.  Little Tobey Maquire may or may not remain interesting to young women when he gives up the spider suit for really gaudy silk shirts.  Chris Cooper, the thinking woman’s Tom Cruise, has all his teeth and none of this hair this time around.  They all love a horse, just like a woman.  Seabiscuit is the summer movie for people who understand that having a big, throbbing monster underneath of you can be a beautiful, emotional, Oscar-winning thing.

S.W.A.T. closes out the summer.  He may only be five foot nine.  He may smoke and drink like a chimney and a fish.  He may be the Don Juan of his era.  He is one E-ticket ride that the women of the world want to take.  Colin Farrell.  C Hearts P.  Pat F.  Mrs. Patricia Farrell.  See?  Size isn’t everything. 

Ciao for niao.

Email Patricia Vidal