.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

April 28, 2003

I love America because all Identity gave America was the finger and it still came in number one last weekend.

I love America because any time Jack gets to lift an eyebrow in a movie, all of America feels better.

I love America because meat is meant to be barbecued, not boiled. 

I love America because The Real Cancun can bring Peter Bart and Harry Knowles down to the same level.  Sir Petey is attacking the film for daring to be made by television people.  Sir Sits Around says that the movie is not sexually explicit enough for him.  Both of these boys need to get out of the house more!

I love America because I don’t have to wear a mask to fly from Sacramento to San Diego sitting next to Mr. Chang.

I love America because X-Men 2, Daddy Day Care and The Matrix Reloaded can all come out and no one knows which is the most unrealistic. 

I love America because Hugh Jackman is here now!

I love America because “y’all” is a conjugation and not a proper name.

I love America because a tiny gal like law student Reese Witherspoon can take on a big lug like Gunplay Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and come out on top.  We do not have to listen to her personal politics either!

I love America because Michael Moore can scream at the top of his lungs with as much breath as he has in that big ole body of his that his career is thriving after being booed by two stagehands at the Academy Awards.  At the same time, everyone else is screaming about being blacklisted because Major League Baseball did not want to turn a celebration of a movie into a political rally.  Free speech seems pretty free to me!

I love America because teenagers can tell the difference between tiny Amanda Bynes and tinier Hilary Duff.  These two will keep the pipeline for cute, jockey-sized actors open for years.

I love America because HBO becomes the most respected television network with the most watched original cable programs by airing shows about homosexuals, murderers and sluts and no one can figure why Fox News Channel is knocking the snot out of CNN these days.

I love America because women everywhere want to see the unrated outtakes from The Hulk.

I love America because during the glorious Chicago Oscar run, Big Harvey Weinstein was apparently spending the entire time trying to get Miss Renee Z to get the finger out her mouth while she was trying to get a bigger contract for Bridget Jones, Part Deux.  She is eating again, he is smiling and production will start soon.

I love America because the French are leaving Hollywood but are suffering through every second of the separation.

I love America because Warner Bros. is throwing a Kate Hudson movie into June to beat Fox Searchlight’s Kate Hudson movie that is due in August.  Size does not matter!

I love America because the New York Times is only interested in hiring someone as its entertainment beat reporter who already has the same job at another boring newspaper.  When that person is hired, they will be important, even though they are writing the same old stuff they wrote somewhere else that was less important.

I love America because if Miramax fed Prozac Nation to Blue Car, everything would be all Jersey Girl! 

I love America because Columbia can spend two weeks reading jokes about how funny and unpronounceable the title Gigli is and still bring it back!  Is this Kid Joe Roth’s revenge on Mr. Martin Brest?

I love America because based on the trailers for Bad Boys Dos and Too Fast Too Furious, no one in Miami can keep their speedometer under 100 miles per hour!  In less than one hour, Martin Lawrence, Will Smith and Tyrese could invade Cuba themselves.  Y’all think that HBO would air that?

I love America because personality deprived actors like Luke Wilson and Josh Hartnett can keep getting starring roles in movies because they are so gosh darn good looking.  It is just another example of American women getting stuck using inanimate objects to find sexual gratification.

I love America because even Madonna and Tina Brown seem to think it is hip to be American again.  Madge might think she is Jewish now, but at least she has dropped that silly little accent!

I love America because Michael Douglas should have learned his lesson and made sure to have a Hollywood film crew shoot his Cathy Z. Jones giving birth.  That way people could focus on his wife’s birth canal instead of thinking that their greed did not stem from being one orifice over. 

I love America because Miss Bonnie Fuller can be hailed as a god for making a barely readable magazine into a literally unreadable tabloid.  US is literally unreadable if you believe that reading means a cluster of more than 200 words on any single page of a magazine. 

I love America because tall, dark and hairy Chewbacca, my childhood dream man, compliant and incomprehensible, is coming back the way we all should, younger, less wise and ready for action!

I love America because I am an American. 

Ciao for niao.

Email Patricia Vidal