.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

April 22 , 2003

It is an all-girl summer at the movies!  The lovely ladies of La La Land will rule the landscape.  From the Blaque Oscar winner with the shocking white hair to the Oscar winner who traded in her mentally-challenged genius of a husband for a nice guy who turns green when you insist on watching Friends instead of the NBA playoffs. 

Let those smelly boys dream of becoming God so they could increase Mrs. Jennifer Pitt’s cup size.  We have a female terminator, a blonde in Washington who is not a right wing freak and a boy named Gigli! 

Not every season has a pink lining.  We get to dominate more than usual in this year of big explosions.  Trinity is back as a lover and a fighter in The Matrix Reloaded.  Jada Pinkett Smith joins up as a new tushy-trampler named Niobi.  The Oracle is also a women, obviously.  Angelina Jolie has left Billy Bob and her silly blonde hairdo behind so we may all once again learn what stretch pants are supposed to look like. 

Halle is not the only egg-dropper to fight the freak in X-Men 2.  Blue bombshell Rebecca Romaine Full House Guy is almost as bad as Kelly Hu’s Deathstrike.  Famke “The Yarmulke” Janssen still looks like she could stab you to death with her tongue long before she would hit you.  Little Anna Paquin is still playing hard to touch.  But she has a gray streak that Bea Arthur would kill for!

Annie Lennox and Queen Aretha would be singing, “Sisters are exploitative of themselves” this year.  You might expect The Real Cancun to bring out the National Organization of Women with pitchforks and torches.  But all the advertising seems to be treating us to a lot of drunken boy flesh!  All the girl flesh seems to be coming from Misses Diaz, Liu and Barrymore in Charlie’s Angels 2: Cash Haul.  They even brought along Demi the Moore for a little more femme fatality. 

Adolescent grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrls are also growing up this summer.  Blue Car is a delicate flower of a movie about a young girl trying to find her way.  Agnes Bruckner travels a road that so many of us have traveled.  I do not know if the other Sundance sensation about teens, Thirteen, will come out this summer.  Drama for your mama. 

Hillary Duff is Lizzie McGuire in The Lizzie McGuire Movie, which is not to be confused with Amanda Bynes who plays Amanda on The Amanda Show but played Daphne in What A Girl Wants, which is not to be confused with what a girl knows.  Is there a machine out there that makes these girls?  I seem to remember that we only got one Elizabeth Taylor or one Doris Day or one Ann-Margret or at a time. 

Renee is Doris in Down With Love.  Girl Power director Peyton Reed is behind the frilly pink scenes.  The battle of the sexes, the way they used to do it, back when they had sex and didn’t talk about it.  Nowadays all they do is talk, talk, talk.  I love a good penetrating conversation.  After a while, talk comes up soft!  Does this movie mean that David Hyde Pierce has to have children in his 70s and creep us all out?

Daddy Day Care lets us laugh at men and their idiotic attempts at being nurturing.  (Is my first husband showing?)  Why can’t Ben Affleck find a movie like that to make?  Does he not know that we prefer to laugh at him before we laugh with him?  It is not that his Daredevil outfit did not make me want to unzip him and take his temperature.  He is just getting too predictable!  I would like to giggle at Gigli, which is pronounced “whatever you come up with.”  Ben Ben plays a hit man.  J-Lo-Leck is rumored to kiss a girl.  Maybe that was an outtake from Charlie’s Angels. 

The butch and the beautiful Michelle Rodriguez is as tough as the boys in S.W.A.T.  I can only imagine the babies that our little Michie and fellow SWATer Colin Farrell could produce.  I can only imagine the amount of noise that would come from the trailer if those two ever achieved congress! 

Jason Biggs does not seem any different from the day we met him.  He has gone from getting caught having sex with a pie to getting caught having sex with a forgettable blonde to getting caught enjoying a public act of oral romance.  Inflation, inflation, inflation!  What burns my corn muffins is that Miss Alyson Hannigan, who played Willow, The Muffy Slayer opposite Mrs. Freddie Prinze, Jr., dives right in before Jay Jay The Jet Plane gets to ask her to marry him.  Where is that girl’s sense of priority? 

Jennifer Connelly can’t seem to find a good relationship.  An old friend of mine once told me that the world is made up of nurses and patients.  Could Jennifer find someone who isn’t shooting up drugs or freaking out or throwing big tanks?  Remember when she was with that nice Billy Campbell boy in The Rocketeer?  She could have gotten him to redesign that horrible helmet and they would have lived happily ever after. 

Two blondes get to buckle their swashes in the heat of the summer.  Bend It Like Beckham’s too-cute-for-shin-guards Keira Knightley gets to “team up with” Johnny Depp to fight pirates.  Yo ho ho ho, a pirate’s life for ME!  I wonder whether Johnny was on a box through the entire production or if it was just for the kissing scenes.  Charlize Theron gets to be smarter than Mark Wahlberg in The Italian Job.  She also gets to hit Edward Norton in the face.  Paramount would like to hit Edward Norton in the face.  And everyone is smarter than Mark Wahlberg.  But he is so cute! 

I saw Freaky Friday when I was young enough to identify with Jodie Foster.  I am now old enough to be the mother of Christina Vidal, who stars as Maddie in a film of the same title.  She is not really the star.  Lindsey Lohan is.  Someone has to fight for the Vidals of the world!  You go girl!

Ciao for niao.

Email Patricia Vidal