.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

April 15, 2003

I have always depended on the anger of strangers. You can only imagine how excited I was to see the super duper high concept film of the decade. The world’s angriest young thespian and the world’s angriest old thespian in a movie about anger. It is enough to make you forget a comb-over!

Show biz is like no biz I know. The only character trait more popular than rage among its denizens is passive aggression. If you can’t beat `em, beat `em while they are not looking!

Tom & Jerry cartoons are not as popular as they were in my childhood. They hit too close to home. The big cat with the big hammer is always foiled by the little mouse with the dynamite in his pocket.

Colonel Jerry Bruckheimer survived and thrived after the death of his wannabe-Elvis partner, Don Simpson. Quiet, press-shy Bobby Weinstein is far more mischievous than his cover boy brother Harvey. Lady Sherry Lansing rules while Johnny Dolgen lurks.

The good news is that real anger is about to make a comeback. Not the kind of anger than hides in the corner. Screaming, smashing, killing rage will fill the summer.

People thought Mr. Joel Silver had blown his legacy, leaving nothing more than a trail of starry-eyes Playmates and a commentary on the Roger Rabbit DVD. The Matrix will bring The Crown Prince Of Screamers back into the game! He will be known as This Year’s Mogul, even if he is financially depilatated by Lord Jackson of The Rings and The Jolly Green Ang Lee. (“No, I said I was an-gry! Ang-Ry!”)

Jowly Joely was in the shadow of Larry Gordon when they adjusted the deep-fried action universe with 48 Hours and Die Hard. Joel even tried to get serious with a Coen Bros. comedy. The Matrix is his ultimate legacy in the year of ultimate rage.

Even The Terminator will be back, killing every little robot in his path in the name of saving the world. The movie starts with an evil dictator machine that seems like a much worse threat than he really is. So they send Mr. Schwarzenegger. He gets some resistance in the south, but then he gets it together with a 70 percent approval rating!

Y’all can guess that all three massive and massively violent hits will use all the rage for a good cause. The Hulk needs love. The destruction of The Ring will bring a reprieve for human kind. The Matrix will be destroyed. (I am just guessing at the endings of these delightful films. Don't hate me if I turn out to be right!)

There are some movies that do not have heaps of anger piled on top of their violent ice cream with exploding bananas on the side. We can fix that. Disney’s Finding, Killing & Filleting Nemo should be great fun. I am looking forward to that documentary, Spellbound, where the kids who go to the national spelling bee crash land and have to eat one another to survive! The film about overcoming the horrors of child molestation by hitting Eddie Murphy in his manly parts with a broom, Daddy Day Care. The most painfully violent moment of the summer may be in The In-Laws. We see the hair creep further and further up Albert Brooks' head as the movie plays.

We girls have Charlie’s Angels 2 on our team. All that anger towards Bill Murray should be good fun. I hear the McGoodDirector has figured out a scene where the girls can pee their names in the snow! That’s girl power! (I prefer to let my gold card do the talking!)

I have had an Italian Job. I must say, it is lovely. I have not been able to have a Grappa without smiling like a cat who caught the canary since.

28 Days Later is the worst kind of girl’s horror movie. Being four weeks late with your period and being with some schmuck you don’t really like is the worst! I would like to think that Bad Boys II is about that same guy when you tell him you might be knocked up. Michael Bay would probably handle that by having the “boys” explode her parents house by mistake, have her flip over in a car and get punched in the belly by the “bad” guys while Mr. Smith wept and Mr. Lawrence told jokes about being sperm-challenged.

The girl who had sex with the flute and the guy who had sex with the pie are getting married this August. Do you think that they will go to a 99 Cent store for their honeymoon and work their way through the aisles? I have written to Universal Studios asking that they kill Mr. Seann William Scott at the end of the movie. I have gotten no response.

The violence started with Colin Farrell and the summers violence will end with him in S.W.A.T. Yummy! Robert Urich! Steve Forrest! That blonde boy with the curly hair! Hot! You say that they are all dead?

You say that Kate Jackson is alive, but she isn‘t in Charlie’s Angels? That makes me so angry... you wouldn’t like me when I was angry! I turn all pink and sweet and curvy. Then I tear your head off!

Jack! Help me!

Ciao for niao!

Email Patricia Vidal