.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

April 7 , 2003

Voulez vous cessez svp de m'irriter moi, ce soir?  I love the funny hats, the wine, the late nights and the cigarettes.  But I will never comprehend a nation that created the bidet but cannot keep their armpits from turning into the Fakahatchee swamp. 

The French stick their flared nostrils up in the air when the subject is the Good Old U.S.A.  But who do, who do they think they are fooling?  The most popular movie here right now is a comedy about a Middle Eastern illegal immigrant drag queen who lives with a priest!  Say what you want about Bringing Down The House, but at least Steve Martin isn’t wearing a dress!

Disneyland Paris has “The Phantom Manor,” “Alice’s Curious Labyrinth,” “La Tanière du Dragon” and, apparently, all the moldy old leftovers from Disney World that they got rid of to make room for newer rides.  20,000 Leagues Under The Sea lives on!  Do we have an Armageddon ride in America?  Do we have an Aerosmith roller coaster?  Aren’t they the same thing?  Suckers! 

I expected to find the best jazz musicians in the world here.  No such luck.  It’s Supergrass or nothing until Ike Turner shows up next month!  I’m going to see some French thing or another.  Give France a chance!  I’m going to be gone by the time The Ted Baxter connection turns up.  Do y’all think that they all dress up like Ted Knight with little blue blazers and everything?

They seem a lot more interested in the national soccer championships over here than they do the war in Iraq.  Maybe that is good.  No one wants to watch CNN with me.  I am learning about soccer instead.  When I was a girl, soccer was the place for tough girls who did not mind having marked up shins.  Go Rouennais!

Maybe I should go see Pinocchio with bad French dubbing instead of bad American dubbing. They must allow smoking in the movie theaters here.  The babies go home from the hospital with a pacifier, a bottle of wine with a nipple and a carton of Gauloises.  What do asthmatics do in this country?  They probably don’t have any left.  Survival of the fittest breathers!

I do not know why I look at this beautiful place and only dream of home.  It has been cold, but I do not mind the cold.  I am surrounded by people who do not speak my language, but no one understands anything I say anywhere on the planet!  It is true that sugar draws more flies than vinegar, but I am not a fly and I like balsamic vinegar.

Familiarity breeds warmth.  That is old fashioned for me to feel.  But it is true.  I like what I know.  I also yearn for the warmth of my sovereign shores, especially when our boys are fighting on someone else’s land. 

I think I would like it better if every other movie was not American.  It is like being in a cultural kaleidoscope that does not obscure the view.  It is more like looking through the wrong end of the telescope. 

One thing I do love is the cafes.  I love the people rushing by.  I love the streets.  I love the Peugeots flying around like bumper cars. 

I will be off to see The Good Thief soon.  I will not be seeing the movie.  I will be looking for the real thing in the south of France.  Maybe I can win enough money to buy some clothes.  I am renting a car so I can drive where Cary Grant drove in that old Hitchcock movie.  Where is my Cary Grant?  Where is my Charles Aznavour?  Where is my Inspector Clouseau?

Maybe he is waiting for me at home.

Ciao for niao.

Email Patricia Vidal