.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

March 24, 2003

Life Is Just A Bowl Of Oscars

My beloved Adrien Brody just made deep kissing in public the hottest accessory in Hollywood!  That skinny-lipped nice Jewish boy from Queens did it all.  He brought his mother to the ceremony and still retained his heterosexuality.  He kissed his presenter.  He kissed a black woman on national television and it didn’t cause a ripple.  (Take that, Robert DeNiro!) He told the orchestra to stop playing him off without seeming arrogant.  He made an anti-war commentary about a personal friend who has actually been in touch during wartime.  He did not make a fictitious political attack.  He was the artist.  He was the lover.  He was a man.  He was the man.  Now every woman in Hollywood is fantasizing about Adrien being her man. 

Y’all take your hands off, you cows!  He’s mine!  I saw him first!

Hollywood’s annual glamathon went without a hitch.  Even Michael Moore played his role as a Stupid White Liberal!  Shouldn’t he have his WGA award taken away from him for not writing a second hog snort?  Even Harvey The Buddha couldn’t get that guy another Oscar nomination after that! 

The breast was back in 2003!  Salma Hayek, Cathy Jones, Marcia Gay Harden, Halle Berry, Mira Sorvino, Julianne Moore and Tatum O’Neal all had `em.  All showed `em.  Diane Lane and Kathy Bates both got nominated for showing `em.  Hid them away.  The Jennifers (Ms. Lopez and Mrs. Garner) tried to turn flapjacks into tall stacks.  Y’all want to bet that they schedule their first pregnancies around awards season to get some mileage out of their DVD extras?

The best boobular fashion statement in this time was Queen Latifah.  She honored the troops on the sea by disguising her décolletage as a nuclear-grade steel gray gunboat.  Drop her on Iraq in that dress and they would not know if it was The Mutha Of All Bombs or a humanitarian airdrop!

It was nice to see Joan Rivers back in the closet with the rest of the drag queens.  Tommy O’Neil seems to be having slow, deliberate plastic surgery so his features look more and more like Oscar’s.  My favorite part was when Melissa Rivers was dropped into a box filled with live snakes until she admitted that she went to second base with both Chris Judd and that stuttering guy from Howard Stern!  That’s good television!

Doesn’t appearing in Pearl Harbor and Daredevil disqualify Ben Ben Affleck from presenting any awards for writing?  How did 20^th Century Fox get all three stars of Daredevil onto the show?  Was this a part of the DVD release?  Is Mickey Mouse going to be a killer in the sequel?

Did y’all see the Independent Spirit Awards on Saturday?  I think that the AMPAS owes them a debt of gratitude!  Pee Wee’s big top turned out to be just the slow, fumbling foreplay that the Academy needed to prepare for Oscar’s emotional penetration.  Stars had such a good time in Santa Monica that they turned off the CNN and decided to have a nice party.  No duct tape.  Very few lapel pins.  Matthew McConaughey’s floral arrangement over his left pectoral was so ineptly made that gay men everywhere wept for his loss from their suspected ranks. 

Chris Weitz is cute and all, but how long before Heather Graham moves on to Adrien Brody?  She seems to be taking one step towards ethnicity each time she moves to a new guy.  Adrien Brody next.  Gael Garcia Bernal after that.  She marries Ice Cube.  It makes so much sense!

Attention Hollywood hot shots!  Gael Garcia Bernal, Adrien Brody and Halle Berry in an American version of Y tu Mama Tambien!  It is a guaranteed smash! 

Where was the musical number from Gangs of New York?  I desperately wanted to see an interpretive dance with Mike Meyers as Bill The Butcher in full Cat in the Hat make-up, Julie Taymor as Cameron Diaz and Brad Pitt as Jake Gyllenhaal as Tobey Maguire as Leonardo DiCaprio. 

Kirsten Dunst, Tobey Maguire, Bernie Mac, Maggie Gyllenhaal and that weird kid from Spellbound should all have been brought in as presenters.   My favorite image of the evening was when the camera went to a row of people who looked like the little old ladies that they used to show clapping on the Monty Python show.   The Academy needs some new blood. 

Adrien Brody looks like a really good kisser.  The way he held Halle in his arms and cradled her.  Did anyone else see that happen?

In Los Angeles, the local post-game show came up short on Roger Ebert.  He got stopped by security and never got to his position.  Y’all know that chill that runs up your spine when you see a white-haired, overweight, bespectacled guy with too much rouge on who keeps throwing his thumb up in the air!  He must be stopped!  The only suicide bomber in Hollywood this weekend was Boat Trip!

Was it my television or was Cathy Jones was darker than either Queen Latifah or Jennifer Lopez?  I’m pretty sure that the child born of Cath and Mike “Not The Talk Show Host” Douglas will have three sixes somewhere on its body and end up running a studio.  I’m just teasing the Douglases… ack…cough… gag… eccchhhhh…

Ciao for now.

 

Email Patricia Vidal