.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

March 3 , 2003

Thank goodness the Academy Awards are over.  I was surprised when The Two Towers swept every award it was nominated for, but the real surprise was that write-in win for Yoda as Best Supporting Actor.  No one can say that the Academy doesn’t love science fiction anymore!

My favorite moment of the evening was when Sharon Stone stripped naked and kept crossing and uncrossing her legs on the podium.  The way she cried and begged for work and screamed that Debbie Allen tricked her into doing it all at the same time was worthy of an Oscar.  She really looks great for her age.  I’m glad to see that Brazilian waxing has gone out of style again.  That hurts!

I am not sure why the Academy chose Samantha Geimer as a presenter or why the Oscars they gave out looked like they had each gained 150 pounds and a days growth of beard.  Shame on y’all for complaining about Harvey Weinstein’s influence over the awards!

It is too bad I had to wake up from my dream.  I figure that it was a lot better than the show is actually going to be.

I have been thinking about what I want to wear on Oscar night.  I have never gone to the awards before and I don’t want to look like a silly girl.  No one is fighting to dress me, so I guess I am on my own.  I just keep asking myself, “What would Jenny From The Hood wear?” before realizing that the only body part we have in common is made of entirely different stuff.  I don’t want to be the red carpet equivalent of Queen Latifah in Bringing Down The House.

I got my invitation to Women In Film’s celebration of Martin Scorsese as their 2003 Woman of the Year.  It’s not clear that he’ll be able to attend the ceremony because he may have a conflict if the Nobel Prize for World Peace comes through. 

Marty is also expecting a Director of the Year award from the Adult Video News, Humanitarian of the Year award from the Pizza Retailers of America and Patient of the Year from the Society of Jewish Dental Assistants Who Are Not Married To The Dentist (SJDAWANMRRD for short).  At Saturday’s Arab Summit, just after the United Arab Emirates, Bahrain and Kuwait called for Saddam Hussein to leave Iraq.  If you read the story carefully, you would have seen that they also voted unanimously for Marty to replace the Iraqi leader if he leaves office.  I’m pretty sure that "The Score" also delivered my mail on Saturday.

Everyone keeps saying that the Iraq War will start before Oscar night if it happens.  It’s hard to imagine that the Academy Awards will go on if our boys are on the ground in Iraq.  I pray that they do not go.  I pray that there is a way out of this.  I pray that frivolous events like the Academy Awards do not embarrass us for being a part of them. 

I tried to go to the movies over the weekend, so I would have something to write about, but there was nothing really worth the money.  There was nothing really worth the cost of the popcorn and a babysitter!  I finally paid to see Jungle Book 2, but then walked out of that and into Shanghai Knights and then out of that and into Old School.  That guy from Saturday Night Live was really good as Baloo, and Luke Wilson’s tush looked great, but Chris Tucker sure is looking pale!

My fantasy life continued when I imagined that The Bachelor wasn’t going to blow the entire $500,000 on drinks.  I pretended that I enjoyed watching “I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Something I Can Do Other Than Humiliate Myself!”  I love that Melissa Rivers inherited her mother’s fake cheekbones!  The next episode of Fear Factor should involve just a projection television and a ReplayTV unit programmed to save all these shows.  No one could survive. 

Some clever young man wrote in about last week’s column, “Not sure you went quite far enough.  Can't believe you missed the one about the new Robert Chambers dating show.  Bachelor meets Survivor.”  I am not sure that it is not scheduled for Fox.  Amazingly enough, this week’s episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent delivers almost that same exact story fictionally. 

The line between reality and fantasy continues to fade like Hilary Swank’s career.  But the Oscars are clear in my head.  Donald Kaufman accepts for Adaptation.  Treasure Planet swoops in to win Best Animated Feature.  All that tension when they announce Best Animated Short Film!  Ethan Hawke finally gets the appreciation he deserves for being so smart. 

Best of all, Rob Marshall has choreographed the corpses of Bob Fosse, Vincent Minnelli, Gene Kelly and Busby Berkeley to spin in unison every time someone says that Chicago revived the musical.   I can’t wait!  It may happen so often that they actually strike oil!

Email Patricia Vidal