.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

February 24, 2003

It’s Roman Polanski Rape Week!  The Little Guy could make a great movie out of this story.  It’s right up his alley.  He’s the tragic genius whose wife and child were killed by a maniac.  She’s the 13-year-old who does topless photos.  “No” means “Slip me half a Quaalude.”

Y’all think that Samantha Geimer has a publicist yet? 

The only mistake they made was selling this story right now.  If they started a week earlier, everyone could have forgotten about it again by the Academy Award balloting deadline.  The fate of The Pianist at the Academy Awards is now in the hands of Barbara Walters and Bobby Blake.  Do you think he’ll take on for the team and confess to murder on national television to get The Little Guy an Oscar?

How long before some network comes up with a series called “Victim!”?  25 women!  One drunken moron!  Which woman will have a story that she won’t report to the police?  Call the 900 number to let her know he’s drilled a hole in the bathroom wall!  Watch the media line-up to praise the guy who is abusive, but really cute!

They could do a new reality show called Small Brother with Roman, Martin Scorsese, Elijah Wood, Seth Green and Gary Coleman.  Every challenge could involve a piñata and an Academy Award!  Every week, the boys have to hide from Harvey Weinstein, who wanders around screaming, “Get in my belly!”

Did y’all notice that Nicole Kidman thanked Big Boy Weinstein before producer Scotty Rude-One when she won her BAFTA award?   I’ll bet Scotty was fuming about that for the hours after the show. 

Daniel Day-Lewis may have lost an Academy Award by rambling endlessly in his acceptance speech, praising a Second AD who was given a special award earlier in the evening.  2^nd AD is two letters away from the birth year of most Academy members!  They don’t want to hear that mess.

How about this for Polanski punishment?  Dress him up in Ben Affleck’s Daredevil outfit and give him some champagne and half a Quaalude and leave him in that dungeon sex club that was in the beginning of Irreversible.    Does “no” mean “no” in French?

Watching Benny wallow in the hype around Daredevil has been a little sad.  One addiction replaces another.  While Benjamin has been making excuses for becoming a walking MTV reality show, Colin Farrell has been making media friends by doing what B-Af used to do so well.  He’s been telling the truth. 

Matt Damon has managed to keep his balance while Ben’s hot air balloon head threatens to float away.  This summer, Ben climbed up on top of the bodies of Alec Baldwin and Harrison Ford while Matt played the role of underdog.  They came out even... in a bra’s eye!  It was more lopsided than Demi Moore half-way through surgery! 

The new Botox is NoShameTox.  It is derived from Jack Nicholson’s fallen hair follicles.  Warren Beatty was hooked on it for a while, but there was an intervention.  The withdrawal symptoms left him with a bad case of camera paranoia.  Billy Clinton was the first presidential candidate to experiment with the drug.  It went right from his forehead to his crotch.  For some reason, it didn’t work for Li’l Georgie Bush.  So they went right for the lobotomy.  Jenny From The Rock Lopez has an IV drip of the stuff going directly into her tushy.  She’s storing it up for career winter.  Maybe Ben caught it from there. 

Jon Peters, who discovered NoShameTox, found out about the dangerous side effects.  Keep your fingers crossed for Brett Ratner. 

In this shameless era of Harveywood, a cycle of Miramax seems to be coming clear.  It is an old fashioned studio in many ways.  Big Boy puts people under contract for extended periods after giving people a chance to build their careers.  Then he burns them out and finds some new people to build.  From Gwyneth to Renee to Nicole.  From Thornton to Affleck to DiCaprio.  From Peter Greenaway to Kevin Smith to Lasse Hallstrom to Martin Scorsese.  When I was a girl, they used to call this “failing upwards.”

I never thought I’d be nostalgic for shame.  Doesn’t anybody blush anymore?  Is blushing the new analog? 

Has it not occurred to anyone how creepy it is to have a dirty old man interviewing a woman old enough to be his next ex-wife?  Tonight they will chat and take phone calls about the then 43-year-old who had sex with a then 13-year-old.  Polanski’s current wife was 11 when the act took place.  And Larry King’s most recent wife was 17. 

Who is paying for this woman to be raped again?  Who motivated her to go public?  In her letter to the L.A. Times, she said, “The publicity surrounding it was so traumatic that what he did to me seemed to pale in comparison.’ 

As the actor said to the director, “What’s the motivation?”

As Fox said to Ben Affleck, “$10 million.”

As Connie Francis said, “Who’s sorry now?”

Ciao for now.

Email Patricia Vidal