.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

February 10, 2003

Do you think that Michael Jackson would be getting all this abuse if he were Black?

It needs to be said!  Antwone Fisher would be an Oscar movie if it were about white folks.  Maybe Denzel should have called it Ordinary Negroes. 

Everyone keeps talking about “heart” movies, but the truth is that the only time that heart matters is when it’s the heart of the Academy members.  I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that every Academy member who was an abandoned child abused by a foster parent, molested by a teenaged baby sitter and supported by his Navy psychiatrist will vote for Antwone Fisher.  The rest of them will be trying to get the real Antwone to drive them around so that he can be their bessssst friend.

They’ve asked me to do a reaction column tomorrow morning after Marisa “The Guru” Tomei and whatever aging man is in charge of The Academy these days announce the Oscar nominations.  But I’m not sure how much I really care.  Is something good going to happen, like Arthur Hiller wearing one glove and having his hair catch on fire, or little Marisa breaking down in tears and screaming about Laura San Giacomo getting her own hit television series even though she wasn’t even ever nominated for an Oscar?  That’s my idea of something worth waking up at 5:30 in the morning for! 

Instead, we’re going to get two nominations for Meryl “The Grinch That Stole Oscar Night” Streep, even though she doesn’t want to work for hers.  Some network will have a live shot of Martin Scorsese falling off of his booster chair while trying to reach for the promotional Gangs of New York lunchbox that Mr. Weinstein is now trying to merchandize.  Renee Zellweger will vomit up some dry sourdough toast so she can look just right when she tells the story about her brother making fun of her singing in the shower.  You know, the story that no one follows up by asking what her brother was doing in the shower with her! 

The best part of participating in the Oscar nominations is watching all the half-ass media try to position themselves in the Academy theater so that you can’t see the other half-ass media standing just four feet away and trying to get away with in-depth live analysis of movies they never bothered to see in the first place.  After all, they aren’t those snobby critics.  Why did they have to see The Piano-ist?  Was it a sequel to that Holly Hunter movie?  God forbid any of them has to pronounce “Maggie Gyllenhaal!”

Let’s have a show of hands.  How many people believe that anyone is sleeping soundly, only to be woken up by their mother/agent/manager/personal assistant when the awards are being announced on television and they are a serous contender?  I thought not.

I did manage to stay awake to watch Mr. Matthew McConaughey host Saturday Night Live.  Will someone tell him that he can put his clothes back on now?  Has Lorne Michaels taken a page from his buddy Jann Wenner and gone Far From Heaven on us?  It’s not that men without their shirts off can no longer get my juices flowing, but someone is going to have to feed little Matty before he does anything for me!  He looks like a giant string bean that’s been in the kitchen too long and grown a mop of hair at one end. 

The saddest part of the show was that Matty can be funny.  You should see him go through a case of Corn Nuts after a night out with Woody Harrelson!  (Why isn’t “Getting Woodied” a pop euphemism for a date with Mary Jane?  He’s earned at least that!)   Matty didn’t get to be funny on Saturday night.  Just went topless, wore a lot of skirts and squinted at the cue cards.  Hell, Heather Graham could do that and ratings would go through the roof!

I can’t bring myself to see 10 Simple Ways To Lose My Teenaged Daughter By Listening To The Wannabe Oscar Nominee From Tadpole.  All I can think about is the sequel, where Kate Hudson gains seventeen and a half pounds and gives birth to triplets, each of which weighs 22 really-chubby-three-month-old pounds at birth.  Have you noticed how tired Kate’s rock-n-roll hubby looks every time he shows up at a premiere these days?  The girl has worn him out in just a few short years!  It’s in the genes.  Kurt Russell didn’t have a career slow down.  He just needed a nap!

The alternative was Shanghai Knights, which is not my kind of movie.  Even if it was, I can’t imagine that the “It really doesn’t suck!” quotes in the ads would get me to lay down my $9.50.  Luke Wilson is cute in that “I got hit I the head with a bat, but they tell me it hasn’t effected my brain” way.  Not Luke.  Laura.  No.  Owen Wilson.  I know one is blonde and the other one is brunette, but I still can’t tell them apart.  All I know is that one of them only has hits when he works with stutterers (Jackie Chan stutters in Chinese and Ben Stiller stutters in Jewish) and the other one seems to have a lot of famous ex-girlfriends and more teeth than personality.

Now that I’m on the internet, I’ve tried to keep up with the stuff those kids are reading.  I saw that Ashton Kutcher is up for Dude, Where’s My Planet?.  I’m not sure that Brett Ratner is the best guy to make the next Superman movie.  He thought that Ralph Fiennes was going to be scary.  But Wayne Wang knew that the only way he could really scare anyone was by trying to be funny. 

Even if the rumor that Christopher Nolan isn’t going to do his version of Namrepus isn’t true, Guy Pearce is the obviously the best choice to play the Man of Steel.  He has the big square shoulders, the blue eyes and that blank look in his eyes that only being sent to another planet after yours explodes can give you.  What I mean to say is, he’s hot!   I’m getting a little hot just thinking about it. 

Adrien Brody could play Superman.  If he put on 150 pounds!  You think that if he gets an Oscar nomination that they’ll let him have a sandwich? 

I’m going to try to sleep until at least 8 a.m. on Tuesday morning, unless my mother/agent/manager/personal assistant wakes me up with word that I’ve been selected to get the Special Oscar that Peter O’Toole doesn’t want.  But I’ll be here at Movie City News with my comments just as soon as I can wake up and glue on my typing nails. 

Ciao for Niao!

Email Patricia Vidal