.Gary Dretzka
.Leonard Klady.
.David Poland
.Ray Pride

January 23, 2003

Well, it’s that Sundance time of year again! Another year of smart girls, horny guys and gay men spending all their time moisturizing. Best of all, my snow boots aren’t going to get stained by any f**king snow. People claim that they come here for the movies, but I know better. They come here to find some people they can fantasize about having sex with when they get back home. (If you break it, you buy it!)

Somebody needs to make a movie about the secret lives of publicists! They really can’t all be this miserable 24 hours a day, 365 days a year -- can they?

Britney Spears should have her face put on the “End of Sundance As We Knew It” flag. What is with all the bimbos up here this year? They come up here to prove they are smart. And all these guys are doing their best Ed Norton on them, “You’re so smart! They don’t understand you! I love it when you don’t shave!” But really, as long as they are smart enough to take off their panties before they get in the hot tub, everything’s fine. Never have so many men who bathed so little gotten so lucky!

Can I just say it? Macauley Culkin and Seth Green couldn’t have more than 4 inches between them. There! I feel better.

Didn’t Patricia Clarkson get the memo? Being The Queen of Sundance marks the end of any hope of getting into real show business! Where’s Parker Posey these days? Whatever happened to Sarah Polley? I’ll tell you where! I’ll tell you what! They’re back at Sundance in some movie that no one is ever going to see again! Wait. Parker was in last year’s Sundance winner, Personal Velocity.

Get it?

Here’s a little advice from one Patti to another. Get yourself into one of those real movies, like The Untouchables or Jumanji, right now, before the only casting session you get called in for is for German, lesbian self-destructive wretches! Too late? There’s always Tim Blake Nelson.

More people thanked Harvey Greenstreet-stein at the Golden Globes on Sunday night than will ever see Rebecca (“I’m his daughter! SLAP! I’m his wife! SLAP! I’m his daughter! SLAP! I’m his wife! Daughter! SLAP! Wife! SLAP!”) Miller’s movie.

Do you think that Harvey likes Renee so much because she lets him finish her dinner?

Why is everyone giving La Boyle such grief over the tutu? Someday, they’re going to find out that bulimia is really healthy and you are all going to be laughing out of the other side of your mouth! (You’ll have to. You’ll be using this side for vomiting up lunch.) Besides, the girl is obviously very community minded. Her work with the elderly is to be admired. Do you know how much work it takes to get a 65-year-old erect? No wonder she looks so tired.

I’m really sorry that I threw that bottle at the Buffalo Soldiers screening. But Anna Paquin. PLEASE! Stop it! People are saying that the movie is two years old, but I know better! I saw it 22 years ago when it was called Stripes and was funny! (Don’t even look at my crowsfeet, you bitch!)

Looks like Paul Giamatti finally found the right freak to play! Now that he’s got Harvey Pekar out of the way – remember Pekar? He used to be on Letterman all the time before Dave-o got his balls removed by the 11:30 time slot – he’s ready to play Homer in the live version of The Simpsons.

There’s a bunch of gorgeous women in that restaurant. They’re dancing together. Must be the lesbians. Nope. They’re all tall and well dressed. It’s the Die Mommy Die Party! You girls have a good time. No random pinkies!

What’s the most popular film at Sundance that will gross almost enough to pay for Gore Vidal’s (no relation) ego wax? The Station Agent. Hint: Midgets: Good For Festivals. Bad For Box Office.

Here’s my advice to male reporters covering the festival. Stop with the stupid hats! You’re behind the camera for a reason! And ladies, not everything can be covered by lycra. Get longer parkas!

The film I’m most waiting for? The Hebrew Hammer. I don’t really care about the movie. But I’m looking for just one guy who can live up to the title!

I have to go get ready for the Party Monster party now. The buzz on Main Street is that they have arranged for a live overdose at the stroke of midnight, followed by a pudding-wrestling match between Seth Green and Verne Troyer. Don’t want to miss that! All in the name of art, of course.

See you next week, if they’re still willing to print me!

Ciao For Niao!

Email Patricia Vidal