Gary Dretzka
Leonard Klady
David Poland
Douglas Pratt
Ray Pride

WEEK SIXTEEN
NO SEX. WE'RE FILMISH.

One of the trends that rarely gets pointed out - thank God I'm here! - as the movie industry squirms through all kinds of changes is the virtual disappearance of sex at the movies.

There have been 28 movies released wide (over 1000 screens) so far this summer season. And the closest we've actually gotten to nudity from principle actors are Owen Wilson's bare ass, Jennifer Aniston's bare ass, Jason Mewes' "mangina," and the third look at Rebecca Romijn in blue paint in X-Men: The Last Stand. Even Kevin Smith's wife, Jennifer Schwalbach, who has appeared naked in Playboy, did her boob flash in Clerks II with a bra on.

The Lady In The Water is apparently Godiva-ish, but quickly covers herself with one of Paulie G's least see-through shirts and even her time in the shower, which is endless, seems chaste and visually uneventful. Jim Emerson was a bit obsessed with scrunts in the film last week… but that knoll is more grassy than sassy. (I have ungallantly been noticing some weight gain on Mrs. Howard - or whatever her new married name is - as she does promotional appearances… apparently she's swimming for two now… so I feel less unkind. She's carrying low.)

The only simulated sex of any kind (there are a couple of films I've missed, so maybe Waist Deep or Just My Luck offered some) in any of these films was in My Super Ex-Girlfriend… and it was tame enough for use as a clip on network TV. Dupree suggests the use of butter during sex, but we don't even get to see the girl he's using it on. The couple in The Break-Up is breakin' up before we get to see any makin' up. Little Man seems to have done the dirty with the lady of the house, but all we get there is happy faces the morning after. Nacho Libre is a monk, literally. Elizabeth Swann offers to go codpiece to mouth in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (the wooden box, of course, not the body part), but is felled by metal bars.

The Devil Wear Prada is the poster child for the sexlessness of Summer 2006. Here is a movie about women who want are obsessed with their bodies, about men who are obsessed with these women, and the things people do under stress. Directed by a Sex & The City director, starring the rare lead actress who isn't shy about showing her stuff, who is "living with" Entourage's Adrian Grenier, who still ends up sleeping with Simon Baker in Paris… and yet the film is a chaste as Monster House (less than Monster House in 3D).

Of course, this makes a lot more sense when you realize that The Omen was THE ONLY R rated release from a major in these first 12 weeks of summer. (Waist Deep was from Focus' Rogue arm and See No Evil was from Lionsgate.) Miami Vice, The Night Listener, and Snakes on a Plane will be the only R-rated non-horror films the rest of the way. (The Descent & Pulse are also coming in the horror category.) Beerfest remains unrated, which likely means they are chasing a PG-13 also.

That's 48 wide releases… 8 of which will be rated R.

The lessons of Summer 2005 may be less about the success of the R-rated Wedding Crashers and The 40 Year Old Virgin than about the success of "shoulda been R" movies like The Longest Yard, The Dukes of Hazzard and Red Eye.

Of course, my eyes run to the flops of Stealth and The Island which were shy of anything but a lot of tease.

There is a flip side, however. John Tucker Must Die is, in many ways, more sexually mature than The Devil Wears Prada, yet manages to keep it in its pants long enough to be an appropriate PG-13. And, as a result, I expect teen girls to scramble for the film like bar mitzvah boys to Cross pens.

Miami Vice actually has sensuality, sex, and stars having sex (though I think that Naomie Harris has a body double for her steamy shower scene with Jamie Foxx).

But going back to 2004, the template might be that old. The Bourne Supremacy, I, Robot, Dodgeball, Anchorman, The Notebook and Alien vs Predator were all films that may well have been rated R in years past. By those standards, I am still amazed that Collateral got an R. Not so much Troy, which got its R with the strongest sex scene of the summer to go along with the endless violence. Open Water grabbed an R with some pubic hair. The only other topless female lead in the entire summer was Rachel McAdams in The Notebook, plus we got to simulate the losing of virginity… PG-13.

It's really not that people are in desperate need of more sex in their summer movies, but it does seem to speak to a narrowing of ideas. And moreover, it seems that the relationship between the R and the PG-13 is getting more like the NC-17 and the R… The PG-13 is expanding the range of what studios can get away with so much that the urge to go with the more accessible rating is just too close for temptation. It's almost as though the only way for a filmmaker to make an R rated film at a studio is to make a movie that really lingers in sex and violence… and you can be awfully violent before the PG-13 door closes.

Really, even Wedding Crashers could have easily been flipped into a PG-13. But I hate to think of Caddyshack or Stripes or even Animal House having the one or two or three scenes trimmed or removed to make the PG-13. And that is likely what would happen today.

The lesson of Wedding Crashers and 40 Year Old Virgin should be embraced. Make a good film that has a real raucous sense of humor and you can make a fortune. And even with an R, you can still show restraint, as we saw in the Elizabeth Banks tub sequence. (You know how I know you're gay? Because you don't mind that we never saw where Ms. Banks was putting the hose.)

Of course, then we can discuss whether any aspiring starlet is crazy enough to show their naked body in a movie, permanently transforming themselves into an object to millions of teen boys in the real world and scores of grown men who think like teen boys in the film business.

"Is that a Blackberry in your pants or are you just thinking about auditioning for Scene 27?"

This Week's Box Office Chart

THE COLUMN Week 15 - 7/20 Week 14 - 7/13 Week 14: Miami Vice Review Week 13 - 7/6 Week 12 - 6/29 Week 11 - 6/22 Week Ten - 6/15 Week Nine - 6/8 Week Eight - 6/1 Week Seven - 5/25 Week Six - 5/18 Week Five- 5/11 Week Four - 5/4 Week Three - 4/27 Week Two - 4/20 Week One - 4/13

THE BOX OFFICE CHARTS Week 14 - 7/13 Week 13 - 7/6 Week 12 - 6/29 Week 11 - 6/22 Week Ten - 6/15 Week Nine - 6/8 Week Seven - 5/25 Week Six- 5/18 Week Five - 5/11 Week Four - 5/4 Week Two - 4/20 Week One - 4/13

- Email David Poland