..Gary Dretzka
..Noah Forrest
..Leonard Klady
..David Poland
..Douglas Pratt
..Ray Pride
..Kim Voynar
..Michael Wilmington

WEEK FIFTEEN:
The Summer Of Shit

No… I don't mean it that way… really.

What I mean is that there is this odd phenomenon at the multiplex that is somehow in direct opposition to the sense that America is under the throes of a right wing dictatorshit… ship… dictatorship!

The two most profound examples I have run into so far… I haven't seen all the shit that's out there… are the PG-13 rated The Longest Yard and Bad News Bears. It does seem an odd coincidence that both are Paramount films… maybe Brad Grey sent a Soprano over to negotiate.

Even before this summer, there has been television's shit renegade, Comedy Central. Not only does the network manage to run the "It Hits The Fan" episode repeatedly since it premiered to much ballyhoo and no phoned in complaints on June 27, 2001. The next year, Comedy Central started airing South Park: Longer, Bigger & Uncut, which I consider as hard an R as you will ever see in a comedy, uncut, after 10p est. Again, no complaints.

But The Longest Yard, the original of which was rated R in 1974, didn't seem to be much different than the original, in terms of ratings board raunch. In fact, in many ways the film is raunchier than the original. The football still gets thrown in someone's balls, the transvestite cheerleaders are even more sexualized and there are jokes about sex between male inmates that didn't exist in the original. The one murder in the film was no more graphic in the original (though you actually cared about it in the first film.) And the physical abuse by the guards is harsher now, albeit so extreme that it might be seen as cartoon violence. Same with Courtney Cox's bosom.

Also working against the move from an R to a PG-13 is CARA history, in which sequels or remakes often have a hard time escaping the original's tag. (See The Matrix Reloaded)

I don't recall more than one "fuck" in the film, which is the general limit for CARA allowing a PG-13. And no one actually touched either focus of Ms. Cox's performance. But there was shit from here to eternity. Shit, shit shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Chris Rock was restrained from his usual array of phrases, but the alternate of the year was piled up all over the place.

And the other night, checking out the new remake of The Bad News Bears, it was overwhelmingly cautious… far more so than the original. The two major examples that leap to mind are The Beer and The Wheelchair. The Beer is the beverage passed around with almost no thought by Morris Buttermaker. In the first film, it was actual beer. Here it is alcohol-free beer. Oy.

The Wheelchair is a new invention for this new film. What could be more offensive or funny than a kid in a wheelchair trying to and failing to play baseball? Of course, it would have to be completely politically incorrect… as politically incorrect as the idea of putting a kid in an automated wheelchair on a baseball team filled with able-bodied kids is absurdly politically correct… right? So what does Richard Linklater, a director of taste and the ability to go wacky when he feels the urge, do with this kid? Nothing, really… not until the last sequence. And then, the experience is basically positive.

There is a way to make a version of The Bad News Bears that stays inside the traditional PG-13 lines, but still has something to say. For instance, Kelly, the biker kid, still beats Amanda and wins "anything he wants." Of course, in the last 29 years, "anything he wants" could be something quite raunchy, even among the 12-13 set. But you can't do that, right? So what if macho, aloof Kelly hadn't had a real kiss before? What if Amanda really got to him in some way he'd not been gotten to before? Could be interesting. (Of course, the kid would have to be able to act… asking a lot.) But instead, there is no real sexual threat… and no real anything else. Flat.

Still… lots and lots of shit. Buttermaker says it endlessly. The kids say it. If you make a list of declaratives in the film, no doubt that "shit" would lead the way.

In this case, the old version did get a PG, which is kind of remarkable in retrospect. In 1976, we were sill three years away from "asshole" making a breakthrough on television, with Annie Hall being show uncut and unedited for TV. Still, the two most quoted lines from Bad News Bears were "Never 'assume' or you'll make an ass out of you and me" and "Hey Yankees... you can take your apology and your trophy and shove 'em straight up your ass!"

Lots of ass… not much shit.

But this time out… excremental declaratives rule the day.

The flip side is a movie like Wedding Crashers that is really borderline PG-13. The only nudity that I recall is in a montage of women falling on beds. As is the rule, no fondling. So even those breasts could ferry cross the mersey. And there are simulated sex acts. Very gently simulated. But the inference is enough. R.

Personally, I'm ok with a shitty summer. I wouldn't even mind a good fuck now and again. And it seems to me that Michael Bay could have let Scarlett squirm out of her Puma Wear, so long as Ewan didn't touch her Johanssons, and still kept his PG-13. Just think of how many dozens of people you can vaporize and still get a PG-13. (Va-poo-rize too!) .

Jessica Alba stripping down in the Fantastic Four wasn't enough to get a PG-13. (It took a fight sequence to make the leap from PG.) Kingdom of Heaven was stuck with its R and still forgot to include a fully R sex scene. Lindsey Lohan had enough under the hood to make Disney marketers sweat. And Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell damaging their career credibility certainly should have gotten an NC-17… they really shot... shit... shot themselves in the foot there.

Shit.

20 Weeks of Summer Archive
July 14 , 2005
July 7 , 2005
June 30, 2005
June 26, 2005
June 16, 2005
June 9 , 2005
May 26, 2005
May 13, 2005
May 5, 2005
April 28, 2005
April 21, 2005
April 14, 2005

The Summer Chart - June 16, 2005
The Summer Chart - May 26, 2005

The Quality Chart
Boxoffice Chart - April 14, 2005
Boxoffice Chart - May 12, 2005

- Email David Poland