..Leonard Klady
..David Poland
..Ray Pride
..Patricia Vidal

3 Days To Go

Almost there… you can almost hear the machines in town grinding to a halt. The parties keep keeping on, but we're rolling downhill now.

And so, with nothing really worth writing about, a new tradition is born. For the second year, in honor of the Miramax Pre-Oscar Lovefest, we present:

THE MIRAMAX SONGBOOK 2004

Sung To The Tune Of
One For My Baby

I've suffered all three
But Bob Shaye's taking credit,
I wish it were me.

Two sandwiches, Joe,
I've got a little story
you ought-a know.

We're eatin' my friend
To the end, of these gigantic things
Make it none for Cold Mountain and one more for The Rings.

I've got the routine
So drop three or four billion in the machine
I feel so a-shamed, though dumb old Michael Eisner
Gets all the blame.

I could complain a lot, but I will not, and hall has ice rings
Make it none for Cold Mountain and one more for The Rings.

You'd never know it, but I cut just like a poet
And just one film would have been just as good.
That Jackson guy used me, he really really really screwed me
But still my 5 percent give me wood.

So that's how it goes
Oscar, I know, you're getting ready to close
So thanks for the nods
I so knew you go for City of God
That mountain's so cold, and so full of mold, the snub it so stings
So make it none for Cold Mountain and one more for The Rings.
Those big, big rings.

To The Tune of
Go Away Little Girl

Go away, little Jen. Go away, little Jen.
Right now it's hard to sell a film with you.
I know that your lips are sweet,
But you threw Ben on the street.
And Kevin's film must make a buck or two.

Oh, go away, little Jen. Go away, little Jen.
It's hurtin' that people might think you play Ben's wife.
When you're in public like this,
You just can't not show your tits,
So, please, go away, little Jen, until An Unfinished Life."

To The Tune of
How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?

How do you solve a problem like Cold Mountain?
How do you get Renee to tone it down?
How do you find a word to mean Cold Mountain?
Emotionless bore! Way over the top! A frown!

Many a thing you know you'd like to edit
Many a thing you wish you'd understand
Oh why was Nicole so clean
Her clothing from L.L. Bean
How could a face like that become so bland
How do you solve a problem like Cold Mountain?
How do you wake up people in the stands?

When I watch it I'm confused
Slaves were where I had no clue
And I never knew exactly where Jude was
Unpredictably he wandered
Not much fun and not a bonder
He's a hero! He's a sexpot! He's a dud!

Renee can swing her arms the best
Out-Granny all the rest
She could get a man with a gun, bet your lunch
She's a chewer of the scenes!
She's a relief! Accent queen!
She's a hambone! She's a cartoon!
She's too much!

How do you solve a problem like Cold Mountain?
How do you wake up people in the stands?

To The Tune Of
The Patty Duke Show Theme

Meet Harvey, who pissed off everyone,
From Michael E to Scott Rudin.
But Bob has only had the fights
That journos don't put up in lights…
What a crazy pair!

Cause their bothers
Tyrannical brothers all the way.
Two kinds of rank abusers
Different as night and day

Where Bobby sure likes to sit and gloat
He'll cut your price and steal your coat
Our Harvey wants to own your soul
An Oscar makes him lose control…
What a wild duet!

Still they're brothers
Tyrannical brothers and you'll find
They think a like, they fight alike,
Especially they spite alike…

You can lose your mind,
When brothers are two of a kind.

 

To The Tune Of
Makin' Whoopee

Another year, another Jan.
Another Sundance is at hand
A lot of candor, a lot of slander
It's Peter Biskind

A lot of food, some M&Ms
The used the index, to find their friends
Harvey they're killin', cause they're so willin', to talk to Biskind

Picture a mini-major
Obnoxious and loud for sure
Picture that many hate them
And just watch the flying fur

He's stayin' at home and playin' nice
He even makes deals with Peter Rice
But don't think he's cute,
Til' there's a lawsuit, 'gainst Peter Biskind

To The Tune Of
California Girls

Well east coast girls are hip
I really dig publicity
When Amanda wants to get the Times to jump
Cynthia does it happily

And Hitzik makes it seem alright when Harvey's going wild
They return the calls when it feels just right
Which is after stories have been filed

I wish they all could be Miramax-y
I wish they all could be Miramax-y
I wish they all could be Miramax-y pubs

The west coast has the sunshine
So Paul Pflug must wear a hat
Yes, they can clean up anything
No matter what Harvey's shat

I been all around this great big biz
And I seen all kinds of pubs
Yeah, but I couldn't wait to get back home to grate
Grate on the toughest pubs in the world

I wish they all could be Miramax-y
I wish they all could be Miramax-y
I wish they all could be Miramax-y pubs

To The Tune Of
The Cell Block Tango

Harv
Cold
God
Dirty
Barbarian
Sisters

Harv
Cold
God
Dirty
Barbarian
Sisters

And now the six merry moves of the Miramax County Jail in their rendition of "The Oscar Tango"

Harv
Cold
God
Dirty
Barbarian
Sisters

They had it coming
They had it coming
They couldn't leave it just to fate
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you wouldn't nominate!

Harv
Cold
God
Dirty
Barbarian
Sisters

You know how people
have these little habits
That get you down. Like Harvey.
Harvey likes to campaign a lot.
No, not suggest. CAMPAIGN.
So ballots came in one day,
And I was really bored, but
looking for a reason to vote for Cold Mountain
and there's Harvey callin'
on the phone, telling me who to vote for
and suggestin'. No, not suggestin'.
Campaignin'. So, I said to him,
I said, "You make fun of hobbits one more time..."
and he did.
So I took the ballot off the coffee
and I filled in two slots...
...into his head.

They had it coming
They had it coming
They couldn't leave it just to fate
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you wouldn't nominate!

I saw Cold Mountain in a
Directors Guild screening about two months ago
and they told me it was genius
and I liked it right away.
So, we start telling people about it.
Other movies would to work, the cassette'd come home, I'd
put it in the VCR, We'd watch it.
And then I found out,
"Cold Mountain is genius" they told me?
Genius, my ass.. Not only
wasn't it genius
...oh, no, the book was six times better.
One of those adaptations, you know. So that
night, when the ballot home, I fixed him
my pen as usual.
You know, some films just can't get nominated
without votes.

They had it coming
They had it coming
When they released a
Month too late
And then they sold it
But couldn't hold it
It was a good film
But wasn't great!

Now, I'm standing in the kitchen
chasin' a chicken around for dinner,
minding my own business,
and in storms Little Ze,
in a jealous rage.
"You been votin' for the Irish,"
he says. He was crazy
and he kept screamin',
"you been votin for In America."
And then he saw me vote my mind.
He saw me vote my mind ten times!

If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you wouldn't nominate!

(in Hungarian)
Mit kersek, en itt? Girl from Amelie, hogy a hires lakem lefogta a urban legends
lecsaptam a black guy whose name no one can promounce. De nem igaz, en artatlan
vagyok. Nem director of The Grifters
Uncle Sam hogy en kidney. probaltam
a rendorsegen love story de nem ertettek meg...

Yeah, but did you vote for it?

UH UH, no box office!

My cousin to the north, Canada and
I did this double act
and one director, Denys,
used to send us movies to distribute.
Now, the last movie he sent us,
it had all these has-beens and some new girl who was really hot…
One,two,three,four,five...splits, spread eagles,
back flips,flip flops, one right after the other.
So this next year, he decides to go back to his most popular film, taking Decline to Barbarian, the reviews, ravin', havin' a few laughs and
Harvey didn't want to release Hero, so he goes out and distributes this.
Denys come back, open the door, and there's and Oscar
doing Number Seventeen the spread eagle.
Well, I was in such a state of shock,
I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing.
It wasn't until later,
when a bunch of French Conadians were having to come up
with new reasons to hate the U.S
I even knew they were nominated.

They had it coming
They had it coming
Some nominations all along
Not for Cold Mountain
Except for 7
But the cat-a-gories
Were wrong

I loved The Magdalene Sisters
more than I can possibly say.
It was a real artistic film...
sensitive... a lesson.
But it was always trying
to find itself.
They'd put out new ads every night
looking for answers
and on the way
the found a cute brunette,
Nora-Jane.
I guess you can say they lost nods
because of marketing differences.
They saw them as successful
and The Academy saw them as confusing.

The dirty nods, nods, nods, nods, nods
The dirty nods, nods, nods, nods, nods
They had it coming
They had it coming
They couldn't leave it just to fate
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha you wouldn't nominate!

Harv
Cold
God
Dirty
Barbarian
Sisters

______

The Rankings: February 26, 2003

______

20 Weeks To Oscar: February 19
20 Weeks To Oscar: February 12
20 Weeks To Oscar: February 4
20 Weeks To Oscar: January 29
20 Weeks To Oscar: January 22
20 Weeks To Oscar: January 16
20 Weeks To Oscar: January 11
20 Weeks To Oscar: January 4
20 Weeks To Oscar: December 26
20 Weeks To Oscar: December 19
20 Weeks To Oscar: Critics Week Special
20 Weeks To Oscar: December 11
20 Weeks To Oscar: December 4
20 Weeks To Oscar: November 27
20 Weeks To Oscar: November 20
20 Weeks To Oscar: November 13
20 Weeks To Oscar: November 6
20 Weeks To Oscar: October 30
20 Weeks To Oscar: October 23
21 Weeks To Oscar
23 Weeks To Oscar
29 Weeks to Oscar

- by David Poland