..Gary Dretzka
..Noah Forrest
..Leonard Klady
..R.J. Matson
..David Poland
..Douglas Pratt
..Ray Pride
..Michael Wilmington

In the weird, wacky and often wonderful world of emerging technology, you never know when and where a new killer app will turn up next. Usually, however, a sure bet lies in playing the porn card.

This observation doesn’t exactly qualify as news. The same rather obvious point was made a month ago in this very space, in a report from the 2005 edition of the International Consumer Electronics Show and concurrent Adult Entertainment Expo. At the time, we marveled at Digital Playground’s willingness to provide its over-18 customers with the first hi-def video-on-demand download of an adult movie.

Island Fever 3 was the first adult feature to be shot, edited and delivered to consumers completely on HD DVD. That is the format is competing with Sony’s Blu-ray for the hearts, minds and dollars of the next generation of DVD owners. That battle isn’t expected to begin in earnest for another 10 months, at least, and the adult-entertainment industry already has begun deploying troops.

Another intriguing gizmo that emerged at CES was Cell TV, which allows consumers to use their cell phones to watch television and other video treats anytime they want, anywhere they are … theoretically, at least. Although still very much in its infancy, the concept already has been embraced by such carriers as AT&T Wireless/Cingular, Verizon, Sprint and T-Mobile. Georgia-based SmartVideo Technologies currently provides live television streams at 15-plus frames per second on 2.5G and Edge cellular networks (the content is best displayed on newer 3G devices, though).

Smartphones and Pocket PC’s enhanced with Microsoft Windows Mobile OS already are capable of downloading and receiving streamed live programming, including news, weather, sports and financial market data, as well as movie trailers, music videos and other special-interest programming. Today, most of the content comes from existing cable networks, such as ABC News and ABC News Now, CNBC, MSNBC and NBC Mobile and the Weather Channel.

Sprint PCS and AT&T are using Berkeley-based Idetic’s MobiTV software for its menu of network news, sports and entertainment channels.

Verizon has just launched a new service, VCAST, for its customers with 3G wireless capacity. Original material includes 26 one-minute original “mobisodes” of the Fox series Love and Hate and The Sunset Hotel. Twentieth Television also is working on 24: Conspiracy, a spin-off of 24 intended for viewing on a 2-inch screen. Almost everyone else in the content-provider business is considering one form of original programming or another, as well (which might explain what former ABC exec Lloyd Braun and former WB boss Terry Semel are doing at Yahoo!), in addition to off-network fare.

Consumers in a handful of Pacific Rim and European countries have been able to enjoy such services for years. Here, subscriptions are in the $7-15 range, not counting beaucoup phone time. Add China and India to the mix someday, and Hollywood can foresee a market with an inexhaustible customer base.

Some analysts expect market penetration to hit 1.2 million subscribers in 2005, with revenues growing from $32.8 million in 2004, to $47.5 million in 2005, and $1.9 billion in 2008. Worldwide, phone video use is expected to exceed 50 million in 2005 and reach nearly 250 million users in 2008.

OK, you say with a yawn, why should I be any more interested in Cell TV than I am in buying another Sony Watchman? Getting cellular reception in any building with walls thicker than an inch is practically an impossibility. Why bother with another useless gadget?

Good question … answered best, perhaps, by the producers of Naked News TV!

With the possible exception of the BBC, Canada’s Naked News may be the most widely viewed news service in the world. While not nearly as influential as the Beeb, it’s certainly the most successful information product to make the cross-over from the Internet to home pay-per-view, cellular and hotel television. In addition to its daily edition on the Internet -- now featuring the option of a male team of news readers/strippers -- the show airs on SkyChannel 235 in the U.K. and Ireland, while Australians can get the show on its Comedy Channel.

Naked News also offers a 50-minute newsmagazine, with all manner of “evergreen” features that wouldn’t be out of place on any Los Angeles newscast. In addition to the original Full Monty version, the weekly show comes in versions that have been strategically pixilated. Dubbed French and Spanish versions are available, as are VHS and DVD units.

Although no formal announcement was made at NATPE, representatives of Naked News were confident that the daily show soon would be made available to subscribers of SmartVideo-equipped cell phones in the U.S. It probably will happen much sooner, than later.

And, considering the state of television news these days, why not? In two words, it stinks … and it’s only going to get worse if CBS boss Les Moonves goes ahead with his ratings-driven three-ring-circus fix for the Evening News. The search for Dan Rather’s replacement probably already would be over if Moonves were allowed by the FCC to borrow the Naked News TV! concept, replacing interim anchor Bob Schieffer with someone a bit more pulchritudinous … if not Early Show anchor Julie Chen, then NN’s extremely personable Michelle Pantoliano.
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At the risk of sounding completely insane, even a casual perusal of the demo disc provided by Naked News reps at NATPE demonstrates that their anchors report far more actual hard news (no pun intended … really) in five minutes, than most national and local newscasts provide in a week … and sans commercials, as well as clothes. And, they do it remarkably well.

(Think it’s easy? Take off all of your clothes, position yourself in front of a mirror and attempt to report on the day’s news, sports, entertainment and weather … not to mention, read from a text scroll about the ravages of a tsunami or a terrorist attack. Be sure to tape it for your neighbors’ input, and, then, compare notes.)

Given the choice between watching MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann and Naked News TV! -- especially while waiting in an interminable line at the DMV, or while stuck in traffic -- and, I’m guessing, the Nielsen ratings will favor the buff guys and gals in the buff. It’s the no-brainer of all time.

And, from there, it’s only a very short leap to the mobile delivery of all adult video products, via cell phones. And, yes, monstrous profitability for everyone involved.

As has already been demonstrated ad nausea, it’s the already-fat media and telecommunications companies that stand to benefit most from this sort of devil’s bargain. The shareholders of cable companies and hotel chains also benefit mightily from pay-per-view porn.

Adelphia Communications Corp., the nation's fifth-largest cable TV company, announced last week that it will soon begin offering hard-core adult films on pay-per-view in its Southern California market. This, a mere five years after Adelphia dropped the soft-core Spice Channel from its systems in the same region. At the time, company founder John Rigas argued that such programming was immoral. The new programming will be supplied by Spice-parent Playboy Enterprises Inc. and New Frontier Media, of Boulder, Colo. Oh, yeah, this is the same John Rigas, who, along with his son, Timothy, was convicted of conspiracy, bank fraud and securities fraud after the company filed for bankruptcy protection.

The shareholders would have been better served if Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy had been put in charge of the company.

But, then, NATPE was awash with such provocative syndicated fare.

Among the new reality-based shows on display were Stag (from Tommy Habeeb, the creator and former host of late-night guilty pleasure, Cheaters), which throws temptation in the face of bachelors and bachelorettes on their “last night of freedom"; Silicone City, which was described as a hybrid of Trauma: Life in the ER and Nip/Tuck; the catfight-on-the-catwalk series, Shut Up and Model; the motorcycle “lifestyles” show, The Hungry Biker; various titles from SexTV: The Channel, Canada's 24-hour specialty service devoted entirely to whoopie; and National Lampoon’s “extreme courtroom” show Eye for an Eye, starring Kato Kaelin. The proposed new talkers -- some of which won’t see the light of day -- are hosted by super-duper-model Tyra Banks, frequent-flier deejay Tom Joyner, professional sidekick Robin Quivers, future ex-con Martha Stewart and someone named Suze Orman.

Hands-down, the best name for a made-for-TV movie was The Teenage Kevorkian (“His world taught him how to love and relieve pain … forever …”).

Sounds like a snooze, but this year’s NATPE actually was a lot more fun than it’s been in many years. Apparently, a substantial amount of business was conducted, even though timeslots for original syndicated fare have virtually disappeared, at least in the U.S. The international marketplace seemed especially lively.

Off-network programming (a.k.a., reruns or pre-viewed series) drew as much interest as ever, even though most of the really lucrative transactions were completed months before NATPE. Typically, the major chains dominated the clearance game.

Strangely enough, no one at the convention seemed concerned by the big Hollywood studios’ increased willingness to sell entire seasons of their hit shows to DVD owners, sometimes years ahead of their appearance in syndication. According to one King World executive, the issue had yet to be brought up by buyers, and sales reps didn’t seem all that clear on the concept, either.

With annual TV-to-DVD sales approaching the $2-billion mark, most of NATPE’s reason for existing could disappear in a couple of years, and the folks on the exhibition floor would be the last to know the reason why. Meanwhile, Naked News TV! will have collected a shelf full of Peabody Awards.

It’s TV. Stranger things have happened.

- by Gary Dretzka

February 9, 2005