..Gary Dretzka
..Noah Forrest
..Leonard Klady
..R.J. Matson
..David Poland
..Douglas Pratt
..Ray Pride
..Michael Wilmington

When Burl Ives sang, “Have a holly, jolly Christmas/ It's the best time of the year …,” he probably wasn’t referring to the smiles that light up the faces of the actors, screenwriters, directors and studio executives whose work is honored by the various critics and peer organizations. Neither could tunesmith Johnny Marks -- composer of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, as well as A Holly, Jolly Christmas -- have anticipated the special surge of generosity that surges through the Hollywood community during the awards, er, holiday season.

By this, I’m not referring to those lucky few who made Mike Ovitz’ list of good boys and girls, while he played Santa at Disney. No, it arrives in the form of the annual distribution of gift baskets to the many needy nominees, performers and presenters at the season’s countless awards ceremonies.

As anyone who’s spent any time around the junket press -- especially the HFPA, which announced its nominees this week -- is acutely aware, the second quickest way to lose an arm or a leg in Hollywood is to get between a reporter and a free T-shirt. The first quickest way is to get between a celebrity and the gift baskets handed out to those who volunteer their time at the kudo fests. Big, big difference.

While most of the souvenirs bestowed on reporters during their junket assignments amount to little more than a beach tool, book or a cap -- all of which tend to find their way onto E-Bay by Monday morning -- the increasingly valuable gift baskets truly are worth the price of a lost limb or eyeball. And, while the Academy Awards are the Big Kahuna of swag, there’s barely a reception, party, fashion show or awards presentation that doesn’t also distribute goodie bags to its guests. Indeed, it’s become something of a holiday tradition, not unlike the lighting of candles on a menorah, capping the civic Christmas tree with an angel, convincing employers that Kwanzaa really is a holiday, or stealing baby Jesus from the crèche in the village square.

The motion-picture academy doesn’t like it when reporters obsess over the monetary value of the baskets -- which now come in sizes ranging from embarrassing to obscene -- because, as everyone knows, the gift really is in the giving. Last year, in fact, the academy sent an e-mail threatening to deny the charity of any provider that leaked the contents of the “official” basket before a Feb. 23 media embargo. (AMPAS, like the Pentagon and meat-packing industry, doesn’t want anyone knowing too much about its standards and practices.)

Fact is, though, the selfless companies that do business with the academy -- and it is an endeavor that allows all participants to profit, in one way or another -- can hardly contain their glee at being chosen to provide the “bling” that keeps on “blinging.” Last year’s baskets reportedly carried between $75,000 and $100,000 worth of free stuff, including comped visits to the Auberge du Soleil resort, a $6,000 Samsung high def TV, a two-night penthouse package at Caesar's Palace (plus, tix to see Celine Dion and $9,000 in mad money), a $1,500 gift certificate to Morton’s Steakhouse, a $6,000 Micato safari to East Africa, and a personalized Baccarat bottle of Jean Patou’s "En Joy" perfume.

Many other nominees also receive dozens of extra trinkets and coupons, making their gift baskets worth over $20,000 apiece.

Buzz Bags brags that it’s the world’s only company devoted solely to creating goodie bags, and, increasingly, those companies not deemed worthy by the academy are turning to such “unofficial” services. Last year, Buzz Bags began distributing its “Other Bag” to all Oscar nominees in select acting categories. By giving out the swag a few days ahead of the ceremony, it was possible for nominees to plug one or two of the items contained in the three bags of goodies that were delivered directly to their doors.

Other consolation prizes arrived prematurely from Distinctive Assets, an L.A. company that charged each vendor $4,000 for the right to donate products ready-made for conspicuous consumption. Before that, the firm had created baskets worth a mere $21,000 to Grammy presenters and performers.

Sort of dilutes the pain of losing. This, in addition to the glam gowns, jewelry and accessories the stars borrow to wear to the ceremony and related festivities … and, often, forget to return.

Perhaps, in this all-pervasive spirit of giving, the thusly blinged academy voters somehow will find it in their hearts to reward the movie Hotel Rwanda for its bravery in depicting the suffering of fellow human beings in a land where Wolfgang Puck has yet to improve catering services. (Nah, the big awards probably will go to The Aviator, which celebrates the life of a really rich kid who grew up to be even richer, greedier and more demented than his forebears. Is this a great industry, or what?)

Frankly, though, who among us could resist a free stocking stuffer or two … or ten. Before they were stars, most celebrities were people, too.

Last week, before the Billboard Music Awards at the MGM Grand resort, in Las Vegas, I was invited by one of the gift providers to pay him a visit in the backstage “Talent Retreat.” While there, I was introduced to Karen Wood, founder of Backstage Creations, the Santa Monica-based company that specializes in assembling what can only be described as gift buffets, at such high-profile events as the Sundance Film Festival, the Promax convention and the Essence, Kids’ Choice and People’s Choice awards ceremonies.

Instead of serving as a mere holding cell for gift baskets or goodie bags, the comfortable backstage Retreat was designed to accommodate loungers and shoppers. In addition to the wood-carved furniture and Indonesian statuary, the room was bordered by a dozen tables displaying the latest in cool stuff. The roster of purveyors included Aquaswiss timepieces, Hello Kitty phones, Kendall Jackson wines, Margarita King cocktails, Monster Energy Drinks, the Radical West racing school, UGLY Clothing, the Talia and Ziamond jewelry firms, XaviX computer games and Zo Beads.

All afternoon long, the musicians were invited to meet with representatives of the companies, then pick and choose from the items on display.

Among the celebs who toured and selected gifts at BC’s Talent Retreat were Usher, Nelly, Green Day, Nick Lachey, Diana Ross, Motley Crue, Evanescence, Sheryl Crow, Hoobastank, Destiny’s Child and Paula Abdul. Ross returned the favor by wearing Talia’s ruby and diamond Art Deco earrings onstage for her performance, while Evanescence’s Amy Lee chose a pair of multicolored diamond and precious stone earrings for her’s.

The U.S Racing Club’s table was situated next to one piled high with six-packs of Newcastle Ale and another staffed by ink artists from the Palm’s Hart & Huntington Tattoo Co. As such, it was constantly surrounded by rock stars. According to Wood, Vince Neil and club president Kent Broussard discussed taking over the club’s track for a daylong party, while Lachey, Abdul and members of Green Day, 3 Days Grace and Destiny’s Child also expressed interest in taking advantage of the offer for a free lesson.

Talk about instant gratification.

Before launching Backstage Creations, in 2000, Wood was a talent coordinator on over 50 awards shows. In a sense, she provided the conduit that connected the creative and commercial communities, helping them find ways to get their products admired and photographed on the red carpet.

“There was a missing component in the distribution of gift baskets,” Wood explained. “The Retreat allows the companies providing the products to meet directly with the celebrities, who can describe their personal preferences first-hand, and, perhaps, develop a relationship with them. For the producers of the awards show, it’s a way to say, ‘Thanks’ to the talent, as well as add value to event.

“If a celebrity then goes out and wears an UGLY shirt or cap on the red carpet, or puts on some jewelry from one of our clients, that’s like getting a million dollars in free advertising. It’s a win-win-win situation.”

The business of gifting celebrities has become almost impossibly unwieldy. The A- and B-list stars have become so used to the practice that they probably wouldn’t volunteer their services as a presenter or performer without the promise of some big non-monetary payoff.

Indeed, the evolution of thank-you gifting -- from hand shake, to gift buffet -- stems from the realization among show producers that celebrities are more likely to show up on time for rehearsals and run-throughs if they’re given some kind of incentive. Call it bribery or behavior modification, the practice produced immediate dividends, especially considering the increased demand for talent at the many new made-for-TV awards shows. The coordinators, in turn, were responsible for the quality of the goodies, and reducing the hassles inherent in such giveaways.

“Outside the Retreat at last year’s SAG, we had celebrities waiting outside the entrance chatting and patiently waiting for their turns to check out the products,” Wood recalled. “It really was fun seeing some of the biggest stars in Hollywood in line.”

Companies pay the gift coordinators a fee for the privilege of giving away their products to the celebrities. Wood says her company charges anywhere from $1,000 to $100,000 to purveyors, depending on the desired product visibility, staffing, signage and sponsorship rights. That’s on top of the cost of the items themselves. Volkswagen will sponsor the Sundance Retreat, which will be staged in an art gallery on Park City’s Main Street.

One can carry this spirit of good cheer too far, of course. In the case of Backstage Creations, it came in the unsettling revelation that the company had prepared gift bags for reporters! Considering the overall appearance of most representatives of the Hollywood press corps, the value of some of the fashion accessories actually could decrease if worn by journalists on the rank-and-file side of the velvet rope.

On the other hand, it might be fun to watch the academy be coerced into providing gift bags to reporters, in exchange for being forced to cover their dopey ceremony in formalwear. That would be juicy.

- by Gary Dretzka

December 15, 2004